August 10, 2011

I can't say I didn't want this.

baby1I made a plan.

baby2
I presented said plan.

baby4
He liked it.

baby3
We got to work.

*Photos taken back in January

There is absolutely no denying that this is exactly what I asked for. Becoming a mom. Having a baby. It's all I've wanted for some time now... and it's finally happening. The thing is there have definitely been times in the past few months when I have questioned this decision and been frustrated with my circumstances. There's the being really sick in the first few months, and the crazy hormones surging through my body, and the weight gain (which my husband so lovingly reassures me is beautiful) and all of those things that you plan for. But, I have had other frustrations and set backs that I didn't foresee.

In all of my planning I didn't see one of the biggest trials ahead. I'm a worker. I chose to go back to school and get a degree in graphic design specifically so I could continue to work after having children. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working now, but I have had a few interviews with perspective clients that have treated me rather unfairly as soon as they realized I was expecting. They didn't think I would be reliable, they suspected that when they would need me the most I would be unavailable.... I don't know exactly what they thought but it sucked. It made me feel worthless. I wanted to grab these people by the shoulders and shake them. I wanted to tell them I had so much to offer. The world of freelance is a tricky one to navigate. Throw in having a baby and that world just gets trickier. Luckily I have been able to pick up a few clients here and there that trust me and love my style. I have also been able to be a part of inspiring projects that keep me motivated and learning. But my working girl nature has been disappointed in the missed opportunities and the stark realization that I just simply cannot be the best mother I want to be and work 24/7. I just can't.

While venting this frustration to my own mother the other day she lovingly reminded me that I was the best thing she ever did in her whole life. I like to think that my mother is pretty successful, but I know that she always put her kids over her career. She also reminded me, "Honey, you CAN NOT sit there and say this isn't exactly what you wanted." She knows me well. It's funny because not long after that conversation I stumbled upon these pictures and I just had to laugh. I thought to myself, "Hey! She's right! I did want this! I wanted this really bad!" When I didn't have it, I would have given up anything to have it. And you know what? I can't wait to hold this little baby in my arms and tell him that I wanted this. I really did. Everyday, for the rest of my life I want him. No matter what opportunities I have to give up along the way, I want this opportunity more. And I will love it.

6 comments:

girluntitled said...

amen.

Brodie said...

aw, i love this :) and you're totally right, you'll love it. and you'll find your balance, i'm sure. having a baby doesn't mean you have to give up everything you've worked for, and the other way round too!

j,d and little b said...

SO true. I love this, and I am glad you wrote it. It's exactly what I needed to read tonight ;)

Jen and Greg Steele said...

First off, L-O-V-E the pics. Made me laugh.
Secondly, I have realized the times I try my hardest to follow my plan and nothinng seems to be going as planned, something more incredible (than I could have dreamed of) happens. i think when you look back you'll be grateful for the path you were given and glad your plan didn't work out.
Lastly, I miss you guys.

M and A Harrison said...

Erin Jane. You are an inpsiration.
The photos are perfection, as are the words. What every working girl goes through, I do believe. I think people get scared to make decisions because they are afraid of regret --- You will never regret the choice you made. Love, love. From one working-mommy-wannabe to another.

caitlinlee said...

I love this. It made me laugh AND cry. for real.